Relationship Inspiration

The fire needed to “cook” or “melt” us is the pain and conflict we experience. This is the necessary heat through which we transform. The more we avoid the work the longer we sit in the fire. We often don’t see this. There comes a time when we have to start asking: Can I sit in the fire and be cooked? Can I look at myself and own my shadow or will I remain a righteous victim?

There is a great deal in us that requires transformation. An ongoing battle rages to remove the veils that stand in the way of our gold. On one hand the immediate soul quality wanting development is different for each of us and our relationship is perfectly designed to grow this in us. This keeps evolving as we move toward wholeness. On a broader level, each of us is learning what it means to truly love. We are learning many things, but one of the greatest is how to keep faith with our hearts. For this we need to know ourselves and humbly wrestle with the different forces within. We have to go down on bended knee in the face of relationship and accept its task for us, like a knight would.

The truth will set us free, but before it does it often brings chaos. We don’t want chaos. We don’t want to risk rejection or sit with the pain of uncomfortable and unresolved feelings. We think the safest thing to do is remain silent and let it pass, but then we complain that there is not enough intimacy. Truth takes us into deeper connection, but the key is how we speak it. There is a difference between speaking with blame (“I feel disconnected from you because you are critical”) and speaking from ownership (“I have chosen to keep myself shut down to you because I’m afraid of criticism . . .”). Blame lays the problem at the other person’s door which creates defensiveness and anger, whereas ownership means taking full responsibility.

Truth lives in the present moment and requires the courage to look inward.  We so often bring the past into the present moment that we can become easily confused. It is often not easy to know our truth, but it is useful to ask. When the relationship with ourselves is strong enough then we can risk speaking our truth because we can hold ourselves in the rawness of our vulnerability. We can risk rejection because we won’t reject ourselves. We can speak our truth with love because we understand the value of the heart.

Instead of taking up our own power we try and get power over another. We do this in many different ways, like competing with or controlling each other, criticising, judging, mistrusting, withdrawing, threatening rejection or bullying the other into submitting to our way. Using various methods we get someone else to take care of us, protect us or take responsibility for us, but in doing this our focus is all about the other and how they can rescue and love us. This is substitute power.

Whenever we exercise power over another, whether it is conscious or not, we deny their right to be who they are and we damage the connection between us. Since the ego lives within us with the task of being powerful, it is important that we become aware of how we use our power in relationship. This awareness then provides us with choice and enables us to work with our ego.

To make love stay requires a vital ingredient. It requires that we bring a conscious intentionality to our relationships. We consciously intend to do the work that our relationship is asking of us. Every conflict gives us a huge road sign that says, “Look here. This is your work.” And yet we do not heed the sign, because it’s not our fault, it’s the other person’s fault and then we keep going round and around, stuck on the same track.

The path is long and commitment is the key that keeps us devoted to the inner work we need to do. We are transforming ourselves into responsible adults who are loving, individuated and joyful. It’s a big task and relationships help us along with great loyalty.

In our relationships it is useful to battle with our egotism and replace it with appreciation and acceptance of the other. One of the ways we do this is by being interested in learning about them rather than judging them according to our criteria.

There is a wonderful paradox here, because often our behaviour does need to be worked on and it is a gift when our conflict points this out, but it depends a lot on the way in which we approach the task of changing behaviour.

If we come with anger because the other’s behaviour doesn’t fit in with what we think is right, then we are making ourselves right and the other wrong. If we come with an exploration of how our differences impact on each other then things get interesting and when interest is preserved so is love. There is a way of exploring differences in relationship that doesn’t make us feel wrong or not good enough, but rather interested in opening up and trusting our chosen team mate.

What is it about being “in love” that we are so deeply attached to? How have we become so dependent on another to make us happy? When we start looking at these questions our focus shifts from trying to sustain the romance to understanding its purpose. Our need for romance shows us our deep longing for spiritual love, but is this something we can find in another or in ourselves?

When we satisfy the needs of our soul for ourselves instead of through the feeling of being loved by or “in love” with someone else the focus of our relationship begins to change. We can start to see the person whom we have committed to for who they are instead of what they give us. Our independence does not destroy love, but rather frees it to be a divine force that we enjoy rather than depend on.